My Momma Love Me

mom and brother

My mother is 81 and my brother said he still takes her swimming. 

“Wow. That's great.”

“But I hope she doesn't wear a bikini.”                                                                               

I flew down to Florida last year to see her and went to an independent car rental company. 

He asked  “What price range are we looking at?”

I said “Ah, gimme’ the cheapest car you got.”

  So he handed me 3 quarts of oil and some jumper cables.

 [ just joking. I do stand up ]

I'm pulling in the driveway. I can't bear the anticipation. It's been 15 years. Yeah I know. Thats fucked up right?

Anyway, the door opens, and she comes bouncing out with baby steps, like a happy child. She's kinda dancing. Her arms are opening. She wants a hug? We've never hugged. Never even touched as far back as I can remember. I guess nearing the end has changed her.

I’m panicking, I'm not ready for a hug. I calmly give her a little bullshit Hollywood hug. No body contact and really quick.

“Gene Gene I can't believe it's really you.”

Her once vivid orange hair has turned all white, and her freckles are gone. But her eyes are still brilliant green and alert.

“You look great mom. Healthy.

“I walk up and down the driveway for 20 minutes a day.”

“Why don't you walk around the block?” 

“I'm 81, I don't wanna’ frighten people.” 

“Oh come on mom, you go swimming.”

“It's seniors only. I feel sorry for the lifeguards.”

I see where I get my sense of humor. “What's your secret mom?” 

“I eat dark chocolate every day. And I have Baileys Irish Cream every Saturday night.”

“Oh…..Well it seems to be working.”

 My 3 brothers begin to show up.

 All their hair is in different stages of disappearing. What's left is gray.  

Funny, when I look in the mirror, my hair looks brown. But when I get a haircut, on the smock it looks gray.

The wives have left. The children scattered. The heartbreaks have left their marks on our faces. It wasn't supposed to have turned out like this. But the eyes still shine with the joy of life. 

My brothers said we may have to put her in a nursing home. I said

“There ain't no way my mother is going into a nursing home.”

“Not as long as I got a garage.”

For 3 days we talk and laugh. We even go to a comedy club. The manager lets me do a little set.  It's the first time mom ever saw me on stage. After it was over I sit down and she says “Gene…………….“You suck. Would you move to another table?”

[ ok no more jokes ]

My last day it's just mom and me playing cards.

“I remember the night your dad and I were sitting on the couch, watching an old movie.  And he said “Rosie. When I look at you today, I get the same feeling I got the first time I saw you, walking into Mr Green's history class at Geneva College. I fell in love with you. Love at first sight. And every time I've looked at you, all these 60 years, I've always felt the same way. I've always loved you Rosie.” 

“Now your father never talked like that.  Never.”
                                                                                     
“I started to cry, and he slid next to me, put his arm around my shoulder, and we watched the movie “all snuggled up. We never did that either. Well not since you kids were born.

“That night in bed at 3am he started jolting.  I turned the light on, and he was flopping like a fish “out of water. He couldn't breathe. He was trying to, but he couldn't. Twenty seconds later, he was gone.

“Oh mom.”

I didn't know what to say.

“I know we never told you boys we loved you.

“Thank God.  If you would have, I'd have said, If ya love me shut up with that.”

We’re silent. Her head is down, and she is staring at the table. I pull a card from my hand and drop it. The movement causes her to look at me. Her eyes are uncertain, timid.

Mine are smiling and forgiving. She carefully places a card down, looks up into my forgiving eyes, and we both know everything is ok.

Our farewell hug is not Hollywood.  More contact; I got my forearms involved a little. Wow. I'm holding my mother for the first time, and it feels pretty good. 

Damn, I'm just like my old man. I hope the plane don't crash.

Driving off I remember reading that everybody needs 3 authentic hugs a day to be at peace. And if you don't get them? Well there's always drugs and alcohol.

But if you can't tell people you love them, it’s OK.

Because you can show them as much as you want.

gene bray                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

                                                                                   substack